KANKY marriage – what does it take to say ” I still do”

A faith commentary on Karan Johar’s Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna by Samuel Thambusamy

There’s surely a fracturing in relationships, particularly marriage relationships. We get to hear stories of jealousy, unfaithfulness, abuse, and betrayal within marriage relationships and we wonder why a working marriage is a rarity. The question: “ Is the institution of marriage relevant to our times?” is unconsciously wired into our everyday conversations.

Karan Johar’s message in KANK is: Getting married is easy but staying so is difficult. Karan contends the ‘failing marriage’ scenario had sown the seeds for KANK. Is a KANKY marriage a solution to the problem?

Hindi cinema has addressed the question of relationships, often times portraying marriage and relationships in negative shades. But why must films show marriage in a very bad light? And interestingly, the blame is always on the woman, urban space and modernity. The formulaic myths of patriarchy, rural values, and tradition are (re) played at regular intervals to uphold societal values.

It is sad that the recent Salman Khan starrer Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya Yaar endorses the ‘stay-at-home’ submissive woman’ gender stereotype. Any legitimate question for ‘space within the yesteryear traditional framework of the Indian family is rubbished by the portrayal of the woman as – arrogant, modern and vampish. Worse, maleness is reinforced through violence (by a slap) on the woman. What does it take a marriage to work? Usually, it works if the woman has the courage to be silent, submissive and subdued. But, is this an answer to happy, healthy and holistic home?

Ironically, gangster movies present the family and marriage relationships very differently. The family stays together (although there may be an odd black sheep) through out the movie. The mafia don is shown at the dining table having meals with the family. He seeks justice for women and also chides the men who falter in their family responsibilities. The wife, for her part, is supportive of the don who saves all his hatred, violence, and killing for the outside world. Who or what gives the glue for the gangster family to stay together? Is it fear or the need for emotional cushioning? (Perhaps, RGV can enlighten us on this issue).

Some Bollywood movies present the cure outside of the troubled marriage. KANK is supposedly about such explorations for fulfillment outside of a ‘lifeless’ marriage. Jism (and its clones and distant cousins) brought some legitimacy to extra marital affairs. I know movies do reflect the troubled nature of our society (although not in its entirety). KANK, with its trademark ensemble star cast, good songs, humor, big budget dharma production, supposedly portrays a realistic picture of modern human relationships.

It is so easy to ‘recoil’ and either uphold traditional values or dump tradition altogether. I found Karan Johar’s take on modern human relationships in a recent interview very interesting. He says, “ Basically there is no black-and-white areas in relationship. We all live in the grey. There is no right and wrong in relationship”. Ideas have consequences. If we believe that there are no absolutes, then we come to believe that the solution to life’s questions lies in the search for answers rather than in finding the answers.

What keeps a marriage going? I think, the answers are quite simple: Mutual acceptance, Mutual love and mutual respect between two people committing to one another. Marriage is not finding the right partner, it is being the right partner. Ayaan in SKPGY fails to be the right person. He is not in love with Ahana (shilpa Shetty) but he is in love with himself. The characters in KANK (Dev, Rhea, Rishi and Maya) also fail to be the right kind of people within a marriage relationship.

Interestingly, Salaam Namaste gets to resolve the puzzle of a failing marriage (although there is no marriage relationship in the first place). Nick (played by Saif) and Amby (played by Preity) recognize the need and significance of passion, intimacy, and commitment in a man-woman relationship. Young people are cynical about marriage and this cynicism is turned into a commercial opportunity in the guise of entertainment. Marriage is such a beautiful thing. It provides sense of belonging, emotional security and sexual intimacy to two people in love.

The joy of togetherness can be found if like Nikhil Arora ( Saif) we begin to see ourselves as we truly are and accept the other person as they are. I found these lines very perceptive:

“ You were pretty, smart and perfect. You were perfect. And I fell in love with your perfection. Then, I saw your other side. Your anger, mood swings and stupidity…fighting without provocation. I’ve seen you double-sided…but my love never lessened. I don’t love you in spite of all this. I started loving you because of this. I just keep loving you even more. I am not perfect Ambar. Neither are you and life is never going to be perfect. But you will always be perfect for me. I love you Amby. Please, will you marry me?”

Many years back, in exchanging our marriage vows, we had said, “ I do”. Now, there’s no need to fall out of love. It takes acceptance, love and respect to say “ I still do”. May be we can say the same Saif lines and we can discover the joy of being married.


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